It’s Not Me, It’s You

We’ve all heard the dating expression, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

This phrase is used to let someone down easily. It let’s them know that they’re great. They didn’t do anything wrong at all, but we’re just not ready for a relationship. So we’re breaking up and it's entirely our fault.

Maybe you’ve said this to someone. Maybe you’ve heard it.

How about the opposite?

“It’s not me, it’s you.”

And forget about dating. Think about leadership here.

Recently, I was on a discovery call with a C-Level leader who told me that his team gets along great and works well together, but really, the issues are multiple layers below them. Those people argue and miss things and overall, just aren’t very productive.

These two things cannot be true at the same time.

The leaders of the org cannot be kicking total ass while the people below them are struggling. That’s like saying that the coaches of the team are amazing, but the team is out of position, selfish, and never wins. By default, this means that the coaches aren’t amazing.

Now, the pushback here is that these C-Level folks might not see part of their jobs as being coaches for their teams, as being models for how they should act and operate, and for holding everyone accountable. But this is, of course, an abdication of responsibility.

Leaders: you simply cannot be great while your team is struggling. It’s impossible.

Parents do this often. It’s usually playful, but listen and you’ll hear it.

“My kids are out of control.”

“My daughter is a troublemaker.”

“My son never listens.”

Got it.

Who’s in charge of them? Who models for them? Who coaches them? Who teaches them the right ways to do things?

Leadership is strikingly similar. There’s no room for blaming others. Only looking inward and committing to being better. But blaming is way easier. It let’s us off the hook. It' allows us to tell our friends at dinner how we’re surrounded by idiots who just don’t get it. That it’s not us, it’s them.

This doesn’t work. Not for that leader I referenced, and not for you. Instead, embrace that old dating line, “It’s not you, it’s me” when the heat gets turned up. This doesn’t mean that some people won’t underperform. This doesn’t mean some people won’t need to be fired. What it means is that if everyone is underperforming, the issue isn’t with them, it’s with the person in your mirror.